I've seen a therapist off and on since I was a kid. The first couple were really odd, but maybe that's because I wasn't old enough to express myself and I didn't know what to say. I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't feel nervous and afraid. I joke with my mom that she must have had a stressful pregnancy because I was born and immediately wanted to turn back around. Things got better my senior year of high school. I didn't need to see a therapist and I was coming into my own. That natural quest for autonomy and independence took over, and I relied on friends and my studies to distract myself from all the noise I've always had in my head. I felt like I hit my stride, and I finally came out of my shell and became more social. Of course the anxiety didn't disappear, but I had my priorities straight, my confidence grew, and I figured out that I'm a damn good student.
So when I graduated college, I really struggled. I felt so incredibly lost, and I definitely went through what is now referred to as "a quarter life crisis." I even read a book about this by that same title, and it convinced me to begin seeing a therapist again. I called someone that Nate's friend was suggested, and she has been my sounding board ever since 2010. What I love about her is that she isn't typical in any way. She lets me vent when I need to, but she doesn't just sit back, nod politely, or take notes. She actually calls me out on my bull, tells it like she sees it, and steers me into the direction I want to go in. She gives advice and suggestions but ultimately it's up to me to put in the work. Because of this, there have been periods where I stopped seeing her. I would hit a wall because the work was too emotional for me, so I skipped appointments or just stopped going for a few months. I discovered that's what I do when I let my anxiety win - I isolate, retreat, and stop wanting to be around people at all, even friends or family.
Lately the brain fog is so severe that I have days where I don't want to get out of bed. I force myself to, but it isn't easy. I'm seeing my therapist regularly and that definitely helps. Just like a personal trainer, she pushes me to want more for myself and to do the absolute best I can to cut the crap, stop feeling sorry for myself, and keep going. I hope you ladies all have something or someone similar in your lives. Obviously it doesn't have to be a therapist! Just someone you can rely on to get you through rough times. I'm lucky enough to have a few, but therapy is the one thing that keeps me accountable.
I hope you enjoy your day. I'm off to San Diego to see my best friend. You could say that's therapy too.
